HE’S more dashing than Depp and classier than Clooney so it is no surprise to learn that Wokingham’s legendary church mouse, Bertie, has (yet another) secret admirer.
The bon viveur and all round good egg who resides at St Paul’s Church on Reading Road, had just arrived home from a trip to Fortnum & Mason’s cheese counter, when he discovered a large bag of goodies propped up against the rectory door.
The raconteur rodent quickly parked his MG Roadster as a whiff of Double Gloucester wafted across his whiskers.
Speaking exclusively to Wokingham Today, Bertie revealed: ”The cheesy delight was tightly wrapped in cellophane, and the wind was blowing north-easterly as I pulled the handbrake on the jolly ol’ MG, but by jove Double Gloucester it was. My hooter never lets me down.
“It also detected some splendid sourdough flatbreads, chutney, a little French brie and, last but not least, a bottle of special reserve port.
“The goodies were all contained within a bag from that most sagacious of bookshops, Waterstones. A perspicacious pal indeed.
“I shall share some of the DG with my mousey pal, Elvis, who got caught in a trap and can’t walk out. Thankfully, he is recovering.”
Bertie called his assistant, the Revd Canon Richard Lamey, who transported the culinary delights into the kitchen.
“There wasn’t a card or any clue as to the generous benefactor,” said the Canon.
“However, as Bertie’s popularity continues to grow, I am not surprised admirers Ieave him gifts. I would like to thank the donor for their kindness.”
In between mouthfuls of DG, Bertie declined to comment on reports he is being lined up for an appearance on Love Island: “I have been reliably informed there are wild cats among the even wilder humans on that island. Besides, the hot sun would just ruin my dinner jacket.
“I am more concerned that somehow the bottle of port has ended up in the Rev’s study despite him informing me he has signed up for the Royal Parks half marathon in October.
“I have insisted the pastor partake of only one glass per week using the Edinburgh Crystal I gave him at Christmas.
“I will not be joining him as I did last year on the Reading Half. I rather disgraced myself by taking a detour through the sewers, somehow ending up at Betty’s Bar in Glasgow. It was jolly nice but I can’t afford another appearance in the scandal sheets.
“I hope my loyal fans will support the Revd in his endeavours. All money raised will go to Macmillan Cancer Support. Please check out his Just Giving page by following the link on your computer thingamajig. Jolly good.”
To support Bertie and Father Richard, log on to: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/richardlamey
