Recently I caught the train into London to attend the ritzy opening of a business networking club in Mayfair. I put on a cocktail dress and heels (still re-educating myself how to walk in them after we all returned to wearing ‘flats’ during Covid). I even curled my hair.
On the short journey I overheard a conversation between a group of teenage girls. One girl was clearly the leader of the group. The other girls agreed with everything she said, laughed when it was expected and sought her direction on decisions. She was full of confidence and looked very comfortable with her leading-star role. They all appeared to understand the rules of engagement. They knew that the price of admission into the group was to follow the leader.
This reminded me of the cliques I saw form in my own school days. The cool kids, the smart kids, the sporty kids. All conforming to the group rules. Rules that, if followed, allowed them to fit in. When the rules weren’t followed, they were no longer ‘in’.
This also happens in the grown-up world.
The event I attended that day was very much the same. I noticed how many people were drawn like magnets to the stronger characters who positioned themselves, and were readily accepted by others, as leaders. Now, to be clear, not everybody followed this ritual. Many were also happy to catch up with friends and acquaintances, introduce themselves to those they didn’t already know, or simply sit and enjoy the glamorous surroundings.
However, some people who I chatted with perfectly normally one moment were suddenly transformed into gushing fans of the ‘cool kids’ when given the opportunity to bask in their light. They instantly became less confident in their own right as they eagerly sought the approval of the select few.
This doesn’t happen by accident. We humans are tribal. For thousands of years tribes have provided us safety and survival. Being excluded from the tribe could be life-threatening. It is because of our survival instinct that we developed an innate drive to connect with others and to be accepted.
Often, the price of inclusion can be high. Inclusion can require being someone we are not. Someone we are unfamiliar with or uncomfortable with. Forgoing our own wants, needs, comforts and the things that feel right. All just to be looked on with favour by the leader and accepted by the group.
If this sounds familiar to you, I encourage you to firstly recognise that if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right for you. Then, put on your big girl or boy pants and choose to be your own leader. Choose to be you on your terms. Your tribe will find you and love you for who you are. They are waiting for you to step up in your ‘youness’ and open that same door for them.
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