Name: Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer
Age: Unknown
Works as: Sleigh Puller
Employer: Father Christmas
Where do you live?
My dad came from the Arctic, while mum was born in Warsaw, so I’m a North Pole. I now live at Santa’s house.
Marital status?
I’m dating a lady reindeer from the dispatch department where Mrs Claus recently persuaded Santa to close the gender pay gap. Do you know how much dough a deer, a female deer can earn nowadays?
What makes you happy?
When my Scottish cousin, the Monarch of the Glen, sends me a box of that tasty Glasgow Christmas delicacy, deep fried carrot. Burp, pardon!
What were your childhood ambitions?
To appear on a shortbread tin like my dad and his dad before him. Unfortunately, the casting director didn’t like my very shiny nose so I didn’t get the part. As I only had two A Levels, I feared I’d end up in the zoo or as a background prop in the Daniel O’Donnell Christmas special but thankfully Santa spotted my red nose one foggy Christmas Eve and the rest is history.
What do you like/dislike about your job?
I love all the children, the winter wonderland and the baby in the stable. Dislikes? Don’t be silly!
What one thing would you change about Berkshire?
I was so relieved when your Parliament banned hunting with dogs. Every time Santa delivered near Smallmead I was a nervous wreck.
What one item would you save from your house?
My Christmas joke book. Here’s my favourite. Santa, an honest politician and a trustworthy judge are in a lift when they spot a £20 note on the floor. Who picks it up? Santa, of course, the other two don’t exist.
What would you do if you won £1 million on the Lottery?
I’d put a little something extra in everyone’s stocking.
Which famous person would you like to meet?
The world’s second most famous deer, Bambi. We regularly chat on the antlernet and he calls me Rudy — it’s a term of endeerment.
What’s been the best year of your life?
That would be 1939 when a lovely, talented man called Robert L. May wrote a song about me, my shiny red nose and Santa. I became instantly famous. Every night was a stag night with fresh hay and hoof manicures on tap.
What one thing would improve your life?
If I hadn’t signed away my royalties to Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer I’d be rich by now, but I was young, eager for stardom and I didn’t read the small print in the Christmas clause. However, I just adore pulling Santa’s sleigh and I love hearing my song being sung when I fly all around the world.
Name the best and most embarrassing things you’ve done.
Once I forgot my in-sleigh battery charger and my nose became very dim over a foggy Reading. Luckily, Santa had a spare. The best was when I made up with the girl reindeer who used to make fun of my shiny red nose, you remember, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call me names.”
We’re best pals now.
How would you like to be remembered?
In every child’s dream and every adult’s memory. Happy Christmas to you all and to all a goodnight.
