By Angela Garwood
I’m sat on the floor in my son’s bedroom. One arm is wrapped awkwardly around him in his bed. The other is typing these words into a barely lit phone. (He often demands to be cuddled to sleep, which means maintaining clumsy uncomfortable positions for any length of time, with the promise of a sleeping toddler by the end of it. And usually a stiff neck.
It is during these moments, after a long day, in the quiet stillness of a darkened room, that I think of The List.
My mind darts like a helter-skelter through The List, getting lost in minor details. This is torture, as aside from anything online, in my current position I’m physically incapable of taking much action and making a dent in The List.
What list you say? The List. The one that rules my life, shapes my days and torments me late at night. The only list I can never quite reach the end of. Every woman has a list. Every woman knows exactly what I’m referring to. Every list will be some variation of the following:
1. Be more present with the children. – This never leaves the list.
2. Return school gingham dresses. – She didn’t like the bow at the front.
3. Sort website – This one has 100 other parts to it.
4. Apply for that course.
5. Crocs/shorts/t-shirts for Leo. – The poor boy’s been in trousers, socks and shoes in 30°C heat.
6. Maia’s new trainers. – My other poor child has blisters from her current too-small trainers.
7. Replace downstairs tap. – Leaky for months.
8. Call VELUX blinds person. – Broken for months, the top bedroom is like sleeping next to the sun.
9. More disclosure tablets for Maia.
10. Izzy’s baby shower present. – First baby and I’ve known her since nursery.
11. Call electrician. – Socket problems.
12. Spend more one to one time with Maia. – Also never leaves the list.
13. Read 10 pages of book tonight. – I maintain the best intentions with reading but muddle through about one page a night before dosing off.
14. Gratitude journal. – Does thinking about what you’re grateful for while brushing your teeth count?
15. Book tickets to art fair. – Missed it last year.
16. More fruit and veg. – My children are 80% ice-lolly at the moment. Because I’m fearful of them evaporating in the heat and always leaning towards the path of least resistance, I tend to just nod whenever one of them asks for an ice-lolly.
17. Film TikTok dance with Maia. – Leo now also knows half the words to Lizzo’s About Damn Time. I keep telling friends as if it’s something to be proud of.
18. Clear out the car. – Just rather embarrassing really. I can’t seem to stay on top of the jumble sale happening in our car.
19. Get photos developed. – Admittedly I verge on obsessive with this. Thousands of photos and I choose to wade through all of them one by one to find those golden moments.
20. Take Leo to the barbers. – To fix what I started…
And it goes on. I suppose it’s life in a list. Baby showers, gingham dresses and bad haircuts. Unopened gratitude journals and leaky taps.
Leo’s breathing becomes recognisably sleep-like and I delicately remove my hand from his side. I kiss his cheek and pull the duvet over his legs. I think of him and Maia. And how lucky I am, to have a list.
Angela blogs at The Colourful Kind
