Can we take a moment to talk about meltdowns, because last Sunday I had the mother of all meltdowns.
As things go, I’m am pretty positive person so what happened last Sunday morning was A BIG MOMENT for me.
You see, I can usually flip things to find the good bits – whether it’s people, situations, children, work. There’s always something good to be found, right? I’m a glass half full kind of woman but last Sunday it was like someone took my glass and smashed it against the wall. Not a single drop of hope was left. Sound dramatic? Well it was.
Because without any warning or provocation I was well and truly PUSHED OVER THE EDGE. I didn’t lose my temper. I just felt flat and sad. I spent a good hour lying on the sofa crying, feeling sorry for myself and then decided the best route to take was to just go with it. I ended up staying there for most of the day.
It didn’t take me long to realise that I was having my Pandemic Meltdown Moment. Let’s call it my PMM because apparently it’s ‘a thing’. Tell me, have you had yours yet?
During my PMM my sense of direction was all over the place. I felt lost, helpless and out of control. My usual steady demeanour buckled. There was no trigger, no annoyance with anyone or anything in particular. It just happened.
And now, a week or so later, I’m actually glad it did. Because it’s been a springboard for me to recognise what’s going on. Not with the situation. But with me.
You see, I’m good at just functioning through. I’m a typical Virgo, practical and keen to find solutions to problems, putting things in an order and working through them. Never really focusing on myself because I’m too busy just doing what needs to be done.
As much as my work life is pretty all over the place (I’m a freelancer so there’s no ‘normal’ to speak off really), my life has, thankfully, been relatively straightforward.
Work life, social life, home life. Clear and simple.
But knowing that it’s not straightforward anymore is okay. It’s actually quite liberating.
In a strange way, losing control has given me back control. Because now I know that I need to let go of the things I can’t do anything about, which is remarkably freeing, and focus on the things that I can control, in my own little way.
When it comes to work, I love my job and take pride and pleasure in delivering good work for my clients. Many of my clients are local people running amazing businesses. I’m inspired and energised by them.
My social life is now all of a sudden smaller. A trip into Marlow to meet a friend seems like overseas travel. And I’m good with that.
I have more time to give to the people I truly want to see rather than flitting here there and everywhere, which was never really that satisfying.
My close bubble of friends have become more treasured than ever. And that is nothing more than amazing.
My home life is my anchor. With two teenage boys in the house, I suspect if life had carried on as normal, I would hardly see them. But I do see them. Every day and most evenings. We chat.
We argue. We are all far too loud. But I love it. I’m grateful to have them around me.
Their energy is infectious, their lust for life contagious and their acceptance of the situation inspiring. I can’t tell you how proud I am that they’re getting on with things without complaint.
I know that I’m not alone in my feelings of frustration, of anger, of helplessness. But I think it’s time we all gave ourselves a break. It’s time to enjoy the little things and be more ‘in the moment’. And more than anything, it’s time to be kind to ourselves.
So if that means that every Sunday I’ll be lying on my sofa watching box sets, we’ll I’m good with that. Because right now it’s all about finding new routines and as routines go, that’s a pretty good one.
Rachel is founder Gossip Girl Gang, a networking group for women in business in and around the borough.
